February 23, 2009

This came in the mail today:

January 31, 2008

Johnathon M. _______
123 Notmyrealaddress Lane
Bala Plata, Ca. 92317

RE: New Application
XHEP54010748

Dear Mr. ______:

Thank you for your recent application requesting health coverage under our Direct Spectrum PPO plan 2800. We appreciate the opportunity to do business with you. Unfortunately, we were unable to finish processing your application, and we require further information from you in order to complete our evaluation. Please clarify the following points via mail, email, or visit our website, www.notitsrealnamehealthinsurance.com, and send or fax any relevant paperwork. Your prompt attention to this matter will help us facilitate faster completion of our evaluation of your application. We are sorry for any inconvenience this causes you, and we encourage you not to cancel any existing coverage until your application with us is completed and approved.
Thank You,
NotItsRealName Health Insurance Co.

The following items on your application are incomplete or unclear:

* Item 12b, page 4: You checked [yes] next to the question, "Do you or does any dependent for whom you are requesting coverage suffer from a pre-existing condition that has required medical care in the last 5 years?", and specified "Lycanthropy". Our database has limited information on the nature and treatment of the listed condition. Please procure relevant medical records and send or fax them along with your completed application.

* Item 32a, page 12: You checked [yes] next to the question, "Have you or a dependent for whom you are requesting coverage required emergency services or hospitalization in the last 12 months?" but neglected to fill out the line specifying the incident(s) or condition(s) that required services. Your medical records are similarly incomplete or unavailable. Please fill out the form completely, and send or fax medical records with any relevant doctor's notes or memos included, along with your completed application.

* Item 42a, page 15: You checked [?] next to, "Do you or does any dependent for whom you are requesting coverage suffer from a disorder or disorders of the nervous system, i.e. epilepsy, Parkinson's disease, or other?", Please clarify, and send or fax any relevant documents along with your completed application.

* Item 42b, page 15: You checked [?] next to, "Do you or does any dependent for whom you are requesting coverage suffer from a disorder or disorders of the circulatory system, i.e. angina, high blood pressure, or other?" Please clarify, and send or fax any relevant documents along with your completed application.

* Item 42c, page 15: You checked [?] next to, "Do you or does any dependent for whom you are requesting coverage suffer from a disorder or disorders of the immune system, i.e. HIV or AIDS, Lupus, or other?" Please clarify, and send or fax any relevant documents along with your completed application.

NotItsRealName Health Insurance Co.
(800) 543-8692 Customer Service 8-5 M-S
(800) 554-3433 Fax
www.notitsrealnamehealthinsurance.com

It would be funny -- no, it would be hilarious -- if we didn't need the fucking health insurance so badly. I mean, can you imagine the look on the face of whatever poor sucker in the Processing Department over at old NotItsRealName Health got stuck with writing that letter? Ha.

(*I realize that, Bala Plata being a relatively small town, and there not being all that many couples named John and Meg in it, our anonymity has already been more or less compromised. For formality's sake, however, I obviously did not put our real address, phone #, or medical ID #, and if for some weird reason the actual health insurance company stumbles upon my blog, they could theoretically get testy about my discussion of their correspondence with us and try to sue me out of all my vast fortune. It's annoying and probably unnecessary, but I am slightly paranoid.)