February 6, 2008

Years ago, before we were married, John and I watched a B Sci-fi, horror kind of movie, where zombies were overtaking the planet. I don't remember much about the movie, but I do remember that at one point, the hero tucks his young daughter under one arm, wades into a giant sea of zombies, fights his way in to where his wife is about to be overtaken (she was either in a car or in some small building, I can't remember which), rescues his wife, kisses her tearfully amidst the undead, and then leads his family to ragged but still sexy victory. "If we're ever in a similar situation", John said, "I'll be really pissed if you endanger our kid in order to rescue me."
"I'd throw you to the zombies in a heartbeat", I reassured him.
This conversation was called to my mind today by a phone call from my mother, asking me if we would consider moving in with her and my dad for awhile.
"We can't", I told her. I was surprised that she would even ask. "You know the rules."
"Actually," she said, "I was thinking of just you and the kids." She paused, and then said, "Just think about it, okay? I'm not saying forever, just, you know, until ..." She trailed off then, as we both contemplated how long 'until' might last, how many obstacles it contained.
"John and I both think that it's important for us all to stay together for right now", I said, although John and I have never actually discussed this. "If things get worse, I will think about it, okay?"
There followed one of those long silences which are especially aggravating on the phone, when you can't even assess facial expressions to get a sense of what's coming next. "If things get worse than what?" my mom finally said carefully. "Don't you think, Honey, that maybe it's selfish to stay there when you know what might happen? Just --"
I hung up on her, but I've been all agitated ever since. John and I made our deal before we were married, before we had kids, and obviously, we were at least half-joking. I did promise, though. I promised to save our potential children and to throw John to the monsters if circumstances required. It was the first promise I ever made to him. Am I breaking it?